Perhaps it is time for a revival of this blog since there is going to be so much to share as I go to Scotland. It's hard telling how much time I will have for blogging though. I suppose this post is a rumination on how I feel with the anticipation of leaving weighing heavily.
If I want to complete the requirements for my PhD in history, I have to do this study abroad year. We had been led to believe Matt would be able to take sabbatical early and the family would be able to spend at least half the time with me, but that did not work out as planned and they will not be able to come with. They will join me for a month long visit near Christmas though. That will make things a little easier.
I'm grateful for the outpouring of support we are receiving from friends and family. So many people want to see this year go as well and smoothly as possible for us. So many wish me success and give me support for what I am trying to accomplish.
But there is the judgement as well. The "how can you leave your kids for that long?" or the more subtle "it's amazing that you can have the opportunity, but I don't know if I could do it". Little slights about how hard it will be for Matt and the boys, questioning why I can't wait until they are older, and wonderings about how I can put myself before my kids. I guess my first response to all of that is do people really think I haven't agonized over all of that myself? Of course I have.
But here's the deal. I am a person in my own right. I had my own goals and dreams before my kids were born, and I do not believe that those dreams have to be sacrificed for my children. Furthermore, I actually believe that to give up on my dreams sets a poor example for my kids. I think that my boys will see that anyone, at any age, can and should do what they are driven to do. Being a scholar does not negate being a parent nor does being a parent negate my ability to be a scholar. As I told Gabe, not to be immodest, but I'm kind of smart and I just don't feel fulfilled unless I'm using my brain. What being mom gives me is a different kind of fulfillment that I wouldn't trade for anything, but I refuse to believe that being mom (in 2014) means that I have to give up other aspects of my life.
Speaking of 2014, it's sure annoying how un-progressive our thinking truly is. "How will Matt handle the household?" "How can he do all the work of taking care of the boys?" "Children need their mother!" sigh. Matt has always been quite domestic (actually much more so than me). It never occurred to either of us since the beginning of our marriage that household responsibilities would be anything other than divided fairly equally. He does the dishes and the laundry. Always has with few exceptions (I was so bored in South Carolina that dishes and laundry seemed entertaining!). Yes, it will place a greater burden on him for these eight months. But he is fine with that because he supports my need to continue my education. And yes, children do best when they have the support of both their parents, but my being away won't negate that either. I will be part of their lives. They will know my love. The annoying thing is that this wouldn't be viewed in the same way if Matt was leaving for work instead of me. I guess if you ever want to know how far we still have to go towards equality, buck the trend and you'll realize we are nowhere near.
So, I leave in a week. It's hard. There are days that I just can't feel excited about the opportunity because all I can see is how much I am going to miss my family. The activities and programs that I won't be there to witness.
But, kids are adaptable. They will learn through my example that you can do what you set your heart and mind on and accomplish goals, even if it's later in life than you originally thought it would be. They will learn that being a parent does not have to mean surrendering your entire identity to your kids.
Plus, they'll get a pretty kick-a$@ trip to Scotland. :)
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